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Groucho Marx

groucho1

FilenamePlayerDescription
grouch01.mp3
Why you're one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen, and that's not saying much for you.
grouch02.mp3
We three would make an ideal couple.
grouch03.mp3
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I don't dunno.
grouch04.mp3
Why you've got beauty, charm, money! You have got money haven't you? Because if you haven't we can quit right now.
grouch05.mp3
I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
grouch06.mp3
I'm sick of these conventional marriages. One woman and one man was good enough for your grandmother, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Nobody! Not even your grandfather.
grouch07.mp3
This would be a better world for children if the parents had to eat the spinach.
grouch08.mp3
Parden me while I have a strange interlude.
grouch09.mp3
Ever since I've met you I've swept you off my feet..
grouch10.mp3
Why, my ancestors would rise from their graves, and I'd only have to bury them again.
grouch11.mp3
Why don't you fellows be nice? Get outta here before I get arrested! Nah, I'd like to stay and see that.
grouch12.mp3
More bad news
grouch13.mp3
Believe me, you gotta get up early if you wanna get out of bed.
grouch14.mp3
Well whadaya say girls? Are we all gonna get married? All of us? But that's bigamy! Yes, and it's big-a-me too.
grouch15.mp3
Say, have I got time to go back and pay my hotel bill? Sorry, too late. That suits me fine.
grouch16.mp3
Boogie, boogie, boogie!
grouch17.mp3
Now is the time to buy while the new boom is on. Remember that old saying: 'A new boom sweeps clean.' And don't forget the guarantee...My personal guarantee: If these lots don't double in value in a year, I don't know what you can do about it.
grouch18.mp3
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.
grouch19.mp3
You're just wasting your breath, and that's no great loss either.
grouch20.mp3
You're heading for a breakdown. Why don't you pull yourself to pieces?
grouch21.mp3
Hey, you big bully, what's the idea of hitting that little bully?
grouch22.mp3
I don't know...there's something about me that brings out the business in every woman.
grouch23.mp3
Oh, hold me closer...closer...closer! If I hold you any closer, I'll be in back of you.
grouch24.mp3
I've got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
grouch25.mp3
Would you mind going out and crossing the boulevard when the lights are against you?
grouch26.mp3
You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
grouch27.mp3
I've never been so insulted in my life! Well...it's early yet.
grouch28.mp3
Just a moment, fruitcake
grouch29.mp3
This is a gala day for you. Well, a gal a day is enough for me. I don't know if I could handle any more.
grouch30.mp3
Hello, I Must Be Going
grouch31.mp3
Either he's dead, or my watch has stopped.
grouch32.mp3
Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you...He really is an idiot.
grouch33.mp3
Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?
grouch34.mp3
Will you join me? Why? Are you coming apart?
grouch35.mp3
I love you...I love you anyhow. I don't think you'd love me if I were poor. I might, but I'd keep my mouth shut.
grouch36.mp3
You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the whole world? Do you really? No, but I don't mind lying if it'll get me somewheres.
grouch37.mp3
And you're willing to pay him a thousand dollars a night just for singing? Why, you can get a phonograph record of 'Minnie The Moocher' for seventy-five cents...for a buck and a quarter, you can get Minnie.
grouch38.mp3
You're making a mountain out of a molehill! Well that's quite a trick. You try that sometime.
grouch39.mp3
I'll meet you tonight under the moon. Oh, I can see you now, you and the moon...You wear a necktie so I'll know you.
grouch40.mp3
Think of the opportunities here in Florida! Three years ago I came to Florida without a nickel in my pocket...Now I've got a nickel in my pocket.
grouch41.mp3
As Chairwoman of the reception committee, I welcome you with open arms. Is that so? How late do you stay open?
grouch42.mp3
Is the opera over yet? Not yet...in a few minutes. Hey, you! I told you to slow that nag down. On account of you I nearly heard the opera.
grouch43.mp3
Are you sure you have everything Otis? I've never had any complaints yet. I have.
grouch44.mp3
You're check, sir. Whew! Nine dollars and forty cents? This is an outrage! If I were you, I wouldn't pay it.
grouch45.mp3
Sir, you try my patience! I don't mind if I do...You must come over and try mine sometime.
grouch46.mp3
Way down by the sad seaside, sat two lovers, side-by-side. First he sighed, and then she sighed. And then they both sighed, side-by-side. Peezie Weezie, what's his name? Peezie Weezie, Peezie Weezie, what's his name?
grouch47.mp3
Hey, don't drink that poison! That's four dollars an ounce!
grouch48.mp3
Keep Winnie the Pooh outta here, will ya? He'll ruin me.
grouch49.mp3
How much am I paying you fellows? Five thousand a year...but we've never been paid. In that case, I'll raise you to eight thousand.
grouch50.mp3
How much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?
grouch51.mp3
What's the matter, mister? Oh, we had an argument and he pulled a knife on me, so I shot him.
grouch52.mp3
You know America is waiting to hear him sing? Well, he can sing loud...but he can't sing that loud. Well, I think I can get America to meet him halfway. Could he sail tomorrow. You pay him enough money, he could sail yesterday.
grouch53.mp3
Captain, this leaves me speechless. Well, see that you remain that way.
grouch54.mp3
Oh, Mr. Hammer...There's a man outside wants to see you with a black moustache. Tell him I've got one.
grouch55.mp3
With a little study you'll go a long ways, and I wish you'd start now.
grouch56.mp3
The next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you, will you?
grouch57.mp3
Do they allow tipping on the boat? Oh, yes sir! Have you got two fives? Yes sir! "Well, then you won't need the ten cents I was gonna give you.
grouch58.mp3
Get away from that tree before it dies.
grouch59.mp3
Have you got a woman in here? If I haven't I've wasted thirty minutes of valuable time.
grouch60.mp3
Getta your tootsie-frootsie! Nice ice-a-cream! Nice tootsie-frootsie ice-a-cream!
grouch61.mp3
Groucho's classic, "Whatever it is, I'm against it" song from Horsefeathers.
grouch62.mp3
Another Groucho classic, "Lydia the tattooed lady."
grouch63.mp3
Perhaps some time we get a chance to dance together, huh? Groucho: I could dance with you till the cows come home. One second thought I'd rather dance with the cows and you came home.
grouch64.mp3
What do you think I am, a peep-show?
grouch65.mp3
Any mail for me while I was gone?
grouch66.mp3
Remember you're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did.
grouch67.mp3
Will you marry me? Did he leave you any money? Answer the second question first. He left me his entire fortune. Is that so? Can't you see what I'm trying to tell you--I love you.